Tuesday, November 30, 2010
A voice from the past...
It's hard to believe in so many ways, but... two years ago today was the day the others found us out. Neither of us imagined that we'd still be trying today... but we are. And with a renewed sense of purpose, I think, which I hope will be enough to finally get us there.
Anyway... frances left me a voice mail that day, that I've saved ever since. I haven't listened to it in ages, until today. She sounds exactly how we felt. Scared... relieved... determined.
She was stronger than I could have ever asked her to be that day. Maybe that's what I saved it to remind me of. We needed it then. We still do...
-d.
f 11/30/08 6:55 pm:
"Hi, love, it's me. I just [unintelligible] to say hi and tell you that I love you, and... I'll try again later. I don't... maybe you're on the phone. Um... I'll keep texting you. I'm really sorry that this is so hard, and I wish I could make it better, or know what to do next, but... I love you, and I'll talk to you soon. Love you. Bye."
Friday, November 26, 2010
Sex and Meds
I have always been like a teenage boy when it comes to sex. It is often on my mind and I'm not shy about using a few minutes of free time for an orgasmic high. I would say there was a time in the last 3 years where I would come at least once every day. Maybe a better average would be once every other day. (More or less depending on time/mood/availability of a partner).
Now? sheesh! I'm lucky if I get off once a month. Not only do my antidepressants make it really difficult to come (as if it was easy for me before!), but I don't think about it as much anymore. And when I do, it seems like it's not worth the hassle of fighting my body to get that one, tiny, short-lived respite from my daily life. I suppose in a way, since I can't see Daniel much anymore, it's a good thing. However, losing this part of me is...worrisome. Thanks to the meds though, I CAN'T worry about it all that much. I'm sure I'll talk to the Dr eventually and it will get sorted out, but for now I've started a new hobby and a new blog, so I'm keeping busy with slightly boring, non-sexual activities. *shrug* I'm so mellow I don't even care that I'm lame anymore. It just feels good not to spend all day in bed crying and thinking about sitting in the garage with the car running and the door down.
Now? sheesh! I'm lucky if I get off once a month. Not only do my antidepressants make it really difficult to come (as if it was easy for me before!), but I don't think about it as much anymore. And when I do, it seems like it's not worth the hassle of fighting my body to get that one, tiny, short-lived respite from my daily life. I suppose in a way, since I can't see Daniel much anymore, it's a good thing. However, losing this part of me is...worrisome. Thanks to the meds though, I CAN'T worry about it all that much. I'm sure I'll talk to the Dr eventually and it will get sorted out, but for now I've started a new hobby and a new blog, so I'm keeping busy with slightly boring, non-sexual activities. *shrug* I'm so mellow I don't even care that I'm lame anymore. It just feels good not to spend all day in bed crying and thinking about sitting in the garage with the car running and the door down.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thankful
As hard as life is...as miserable as the struggle to find our way has been...I am ever thankful for my friend and lover, my partner in crime, my Daniel. You have taught me so much about myself. About love and lust. In you I have seen what the future could be. Whatever lies ahead, I am thankful for every moment of time we have spent loving and living as francesanddaniel. I do not mean this as a goodbye, but as I sit alone on Thanksgiving, imagining you at home with the Mrs. and bbg, I wonder if that life will ever be ours. Before I succumb to despair, let me get back to my point. No matter what, I am thankful for everything we've experienced and all the love we have shared. I love you and I am thankful, for everything.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The New Frances
Frances was in a REALLY dark place this last year. 2010 hasn't been good to her, or francesanddaniel. So here's the scoop in her own words.
I let let myself succumb to the darkest depression over the last few months, maybe even a year. Daniel has been begging me for a very long time to see someone, to get medicine. I always had an excuse. Mostly, it just felt too overwhelming to consider even attempting to get better. I know that may not make sense, but in my mind it was easier to live in misery than attempt the changes to make my life better. I cried all the time. I thought about sitting in the garage with the door down and the car running, daily. I never smiled. I was generally a beast to be around and I was surviving, not living. Daniel did what he could to help, but not being my primary partner, he couldn't make the Drs appointments for me. He couldn't make sure I got there. He was helpless, and I so was I. Finally the man stepped in. He asked me to go to counseling with him. I didn't agree. I didn't disagree. In fact, I had no energy to do either. I shrugged. (I did that a lot in those days.) I just let him lead me by the nose.
Our first session found the therapist insisting I get medicine and my own person to talk to. It was my worst nightmare. I knew/know I need help, but antidepressants were just putting me farther from my goal of having children. (One of the main reasons I had been avoiding help for so long, EVEN though in my current situation there was no chance of babies since I was in the middle of 2 men.) This cycle of avoidance was broken at the beginning of Oct. I took the meds and have continue to feel...better (comparatively speaking). I'm not suicidal, I don't cry all the time, and I am actually able to get out of bed, but I am still lost in my inner turmoil. I don't feel the therapy is doing anything but letting me cry hard once a week. I can't orgasm. I don't feel sexy any more. I don't WANT sex anymore. I feel as if Daniel and I are falling apart at the seems--drifting further apart every day. I can feign happiness, and I do, daily. But what's real anymore? Where am I supposed to be? There are so many thoughts swirling in my head. Circling. Twisting. Sending me right back to the start to think the cycle through again, over and over. I feel more mellow. More in control of my emotions, but certainly still paralyzed to do anything about my current situation.
There is so much more in my head that I can't even begin to say here, but don't feel sorry for me. I know I am the root cause of my own misery. I have no idea what will happen in the coming months and I doubt that any choice I make will be "perfect." But something has to happen soon. I'm drowning. Dying slowly at my own hand. I have so much and yet so little at the same time. No one can live like this. A shadow. An actor. I just want to let go...
Maybe I'm melodramatic, but this is it. The new/old frances. Lost. Pathetic. *shrug*
That's all I've got. Now you know.
I let let myself succumb to the darkest depression over the last few months, maybe even a year. Daniel has been begging me for a very long time to see someone, to get medicine. I always had an excuse. Mostly, it just felt too overwhelming to consider even attempting to get better. I know that may not make sense, but in my mind it was easier to live in misery than attempt the changes to make my life better. I cried all the time. I thought about sitting in the garage with the door down and the car running, daily. I never smiled. I was generally a beast to be around and I was surviving, not living. Daniel did what he could to help, but not being my primary partner, he couldn't make the Drs appointments for me. He couldn't make sure I got there. He was helpless, and I so was I. Finally the man stepped in. He asked me to go to counseling with him. I didn't agree. I didn't disagree. In fact, I had no energy to do either. I shrugged. (I did that a lot in those days.) I just let him lead me by the nose.
Our first session found the therapist insisting I get medicine and my own person to talk to. It was my worst nightmare. I knew/know I need help, but antidepressants were just putting me farther from my goal of having children. (One of the main reasons I had been avoiding help for so long, EVEN though in my current situation there was no chance of babies since I was in the middle of 2 men.) This cycle of avoidance was broken at the beginning of Oct. I took the meds and have continue to feel...better (comparatively speaking). I'm not suicidal, I don't cry all the time, and I am actually able to get out of bed, but I am still lost in my inner turmoil. I don't feel the therapy is doing anything but letting me cry hard once a week. I can't orgasm. I don't feel sexy any more. I don't WANT sex anymore. I feel as if Daniel and I are falling apart at the seems--drifting further apart every day. I can feign happiness, and I do, daily. But what's real anymore? Where am I supposed to be? There are so many thoughts swirling in my head. Circling. Twisting. Sending me right back to the start to think the cycle through again, over and over. I feel more mellow. More in control of my emotions, but certainly still paralyzed to do anything about my current situation.
There is so much more in my head that I can't even begin to say here, but don't feel sorry for me. I know I am the root cause of my own misery. I have no idea what will happen in the coming months and I doubt that any choice I make will be "perfect." But something has to happen soon. I'm drowning. Dying slowly at my own hand. I have so much and yet so little at the same time. No one can live like this. A shadow. An actor. I just want to let go...
Maybe I'm melodramatic, but this is it. The new/old frances. Lost. Pathetic. *shrug*
That's all I've got. Now you know.
Misery
I really miss this blog. I miss having things to say and the energy to say them. I feel like I'm out of my mind. Things emotionally are so much better, but personally I'm still stuck in this quagmire. We're still stuck. And I don't know about Daniel, but I'm sinking fast. Wish I had better news folks, but this is it. Some days I think I'm beyond repair. Even in my misery though, I miss our little corner of the online community.
Xoxo,
frances
Xoxo,
frances
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