How's that for a title? Kind of as mixed up as I feel...
When I look around my apartment, I wonder what things I will get to take with me when I leave. Will my favorite chair make the move? My treadmill, my favorite lamp, all of the matching accoutrements I have acquired for the bedroom over the last seven years? Will Daniel and I even want the beautiful four poster bed with matching cherry dresser and side tables that MY uncle gave to me after his divorce? I look at this "stuff" and I wonder, "can I live without it?" "Is it possible for me to leave it behind?" The short and easy answer is yes. They are just objects. The real treasure in leaving is finally getting to live the life we've dreamed about with the man I know will be a partner, supporter, and friend.
Obviously, many of these items are emotionally tied to the 10+ years I have spent living with the man and trying to make a life with him. (That bed especially, and understandably so, is a little tough for Daniel to swallow.) And similarly, anything he brings from his time with her will have equal visceral connections for the two of us. However, how do we balance that dislike of sentimental emotional ties with the fact that we will need a bed to sleep in, dishes to eat of off, and just general "stuff" to fill our house and make our new place a home?
I am often much more conflicted with the loss of "stuff" than Daniel is. The man and I have never had much. We scrimped and saved and have mismatched-hand-me-down everything. Our financial situation has never been the best on account of our career choices, but over the years I have begun to be able to decorate in a way that I like. I have amassed a few treasures that I will be disappointed to lose.
What am I trying to say? It's hard. Hard to explain the circles of logic and reason rolling around in my brain. I know in my head that I don't want these specific "treasures" with Daniel. They will not be ours. We want to have our own "stuff," to create our own home environment as a couple to plant our little family in and watch it grow. However, for the time being, we will not have large sums of money to replace anything we might lose in the divorce. We cannot go out and spend thousands on the perfect bedroom suit or complimentary linens. It would just be unwise and irresponsible. So we are stuck deciding what items have the least emotional ties to our others.
Daniel and I had a long discussion last night about things we would be able to take and those that we might not want. I think we now understand the sticking points for each of us. It was a good conversation and gave us a realistic look of our lives after the move. Unfortunately, the moment we leave our respective houses, we will not be free of the lingering memories of our time as husband and wife to the others, but I am confident that over the years, Daniel and I will be able to replace these memories, this "stuff," with items that are infused with francesanddaniel.
I am very interested to see what mix of household wares our new place gathers. I am sure they will look different in the light of our new found freedom. Until then, and until we can afford to replace anything we might lose, I'm going to try really hard to remember that it's all just "stuff."