As April nears I am constantly imagining the moment I have 'the talk' with the man. You know, the one in which I break his heart and confirm the dissolution of our marriage by admitting I am leaving to be with Daniel. Every time I run through the scenario in my head it is different. However, no matter what I say, what words I use, or how I try to sugar coat it, it ends up being this huge, surprising bombshell from which I can't even begin to determine the type of fall out there will be.
As it stands currently at the frances-and-the-man household, he is completely oblivious. I realize that this is entirely my fault. After my brief and devastating three day separation from Daniel, I never discussed the fact that I couldn't live without my love and have since reconnected with him.
The topic really has not come up. In the man's post break up victorious world we are on track to live happily ever. In the few minutes of serious life discussion between the man and I he has brought up buying a house, having a family, and how he feels we are on the right track to being together. Every time, I brush him off. I honestly only see him for collectively 25 min during the week and a few hours (if that) on weekends. The time for serious discussions such as these just never seems to present itself with sufficient time, on account of his current work schedule.
Sadly, this schedule has been both a blessing and a curse. I feel free and happy to live as if I've already left him. We live at the same address but almost in different shifts. Though his pursuing of my body and affection is obvious in the minimal we spend together, I can easily treat him as a roommate and not a husband.
We still have our accepted duties around the house. I pay the bills and tidy up, while he takes out the garbage and does the majority of the laundry. He still does nice things for me. He still seeks to please me and 'win me back.' I just don't understand how he can not see that I was lost to him long ago.
So yes, I am a coward for not telling him I'm seeing Daniel again. Yes, this will make the news of my departure even harder to bear. (The word that constantly rings in my ears is, BETRAYL.) And yes, I feel like an evil human being for the way this has all gone down, but I know that at the moment I sit him down, the second I say those words that I am dreading--I know that in this painful separation we will both be free. The man will be able to begin his life again without me and francesanddaniel can begin the life we've only dreamed about here.
I dread this moment on many levels, but it is the turning point and I am eager to see what's around the corner.